Thursday, March 5, 2015

I'm sorry D

In 2011, I got together with someone whom I thought was the love of my life. He was everything I thought I was looking for.
We were high school sweethearts in 2002. At 17, we were a couple for barely a quarter of a year. But it didn't end ugly. The break up was mutual and we remained friends. While we didn't really keep in touch, we were friends on Friendster and later on, Facebook. In between those years, occasionally we'd chat on MSN just asking how we were both doing. We never met up since we broke up.

Sometime in 2011, one night while I was working late, I was browsing through Facebook and saw that he was online. We started talking and on that same night itself, we met up. We had 2 other old friends join us and it was purely a meet with no intentions.

Apparently he fell in love with me all over again the moment he saw me. In the coming weeks, he tried very hard to impress me and win me over. He appeared countless of times at my office with a cup of hot chocolate or to take me out for meals, and sometimes just watched me from afar if I was leaving the office late.

It seemed stalker-ish at first. It got annoying at some points. But at the end of the day, his effort won me over.

He remained pretty much the same over the time we were together. He was always sweet and full of small surprises. And he was also quite a man of his words.

We met each other every single day except during the times I went on holidays with my family, or when we had work engagements outstation, which were rare. Friends who knew us and saw us always felt that he was crazy over me and just could never get enough of me. My boss who met him once at a wedding told me so too, as though he couldn't take his eyes off me, and this was close to 2 years into our relationship.

My life revolved around him, we would do anything together, and we were both very clingy towards each other. It's like we couldn't live without one another. During that period, we both lost touch with many of our friends.

In 2013, things took a turn for the worse. He changed overnight, and decided to call it quits. He was so firm on his decision. Despite crying and begging for days and weeks, he just wouldn't budge. I felt like I lost everything, and there was no point in living anymore.

I went through the entire process of healing and eventually I stopped crying, but never really moved on which I thought I did. I dated around after that, friends would never stop introducing men to me. But no one could give me the fulfillment he did. That break up thought me many lifelong lessons which I would apply later on in my future relationship(s).

In 2014, I met someone new. He was much younger and I never really gave him much thought. He would text me everyday and we would just talk about nothing. I picked up a line from him and I use it till today. A simple "How is/was your day?".

So we went out one evening to have dinner in the city. I found ourselves laughing to tears. We could not stop talking and we were so comfortable with each other. That night, I could tell that he wanted to spend as much time as he could with me. We drove around after dinner, passed my alma mater, my old work place etc.

We continued talking and laughing daily, and I found that I grew very fond of him. I was looking forward to talking to him and his texts always made me laugh or smile. He was the only one who was able to make me genuinely laugh and smile after such a long time. And actually, I can't think of anyone else throughout my lifetime that has made me laugh that way so consistently before.

On his birthday, we got together. It all started with a kiss, he never really asked me to be his gf. After that night, everything became a roller coaster. He'd be hot and cold, and we would ignore each other for days in the next coming months. He said he loved me only once. It felt real.

He was due to leave Malaysia in August or September. I made preparations to leave too. Took up language course, deposited my resume everywhere. My family was very supportive although they've never met.

The last time I saw him was July, and the last time we were in touch was early August. I didn't know when he left Malaysia, and never really took the effort to find out.

I went to our usual spot sometime late September, and he was not there. The barista who knew us was so happy to see me and the first thing she said to me was "I thought you left with him!". That broke my heart. The healing process this time was not as bad as the previous one. But I was emotionally scarred just as bad.

I would still go back to that spot quite often, it was the place where we first met. It's my hideout and now that spot is full of memories of us together. But I'm glad it happened. I'm glad he came by that night and filled my life with laughter even just for a short while. I know for sure, no one would be able to make me laugh that way anymore. No one.

We never really had a closure. I know I don't regret anything, because I tried my very best and he probably did too. Just like how I felt other guys weren't right for me, he probably felt I wasn't right for him. And I accept it wholeheartedly.

Thanks Jay.

These 2 relationships, however, made it hard for me to trust again. It is almost impossible for to trust men again. But I vowed that my next relationship will be my last and will last till the end of time. I will do whatever it takes.

I started going to church again in October. Initially it was purely to please my family, they were absolutely happy and I wanted it to stay that way.

Fast forward few weeks later, I knelt down and genuinely prayed. I prayed to get over my broken heart, and that I'll be sent someone I can spend the rest of my life with.

Come January this year, someone new appeared in my life. I prayed again. I prayed that if he was really meant to be, I hoped he would ask me the way I wanted to. And he did.

I was very determined to make it work. No more screw ups. Enough of breakups.

Everything went well, I became very submissive and on many occasions I would give in even when I didn't want to. I kept everything bottled up, all my trust issues and insecurities. But with all those bottling up, it will eventually explode one day.

True enough, last Friday I managed to screw up again.

In the past few weeks, I had been reading up on overcoming trust issues and insecurities, and yet this can still happen. I have only myself to blame for this.

Right now, I sincerely hope I would be able to forgive and forget my past in order for me to trust again.

I'm sorry D. Please help me get through this. Please hang on and give me some time to overcome this...

Monday, February 17, 2014

I suddenly have a train of thoughts...

But I just don't know how to put into words...

Plus, I don't want to jinx it!

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Dr Mirror =/= Dr Love

Had a crack on my windscreen as I was driving to work earlier. Clearly it was a stone that came out of no where as I was not driving behind a 4-wheeler or some big vehicle.

I went to get it fixed right away after learning of a friend's past experience of having her entire windscreen cracked from a small 1cm crack just because she didn't get it fixed earlier and was exposed to rain and shine over the weeks.

It was a half an hour process and while I was waiting, I had a flashback of memories.

The other time when we went to fix his windscreen prior to getting his new car. I recall we were looking at the highway, and I spotted his then soon-to-be car, and I was all hyped out about it every time we saw one pass by.

I can even roughly remember what we both were wearing.

At that time, it was pure bliss, pure innocence, pure happiness. That same week, he asked my parents for their permission if he could have my hand in marriage.